1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,480 'This programme contains very strong language 2 00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,200 from the outset and throughout.' 3 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,040 (SINGS QUIETLY TO HIMSELF) 4 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,320 Oi! 5 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,360 Little Lord Fauntleroy! 6 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,880 Oi! Shirley Temple! (DETECTOR HUMS) 7 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,720 Oh, no, you don't! 8 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:36,280 These are BRITISH fields 9 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,280 and whatever's found on British fields, stays in British hands. 10 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,040 What? I said, 11 00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,400 what the fuck are you doing scavenging on my field?! 12 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:49,280 YOUR field? Correction - this is no man's land. 13 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:52,240 This is the unoccupied buffer between our two fiefdoms. 14 00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,120 Talk fucking normal! 15 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,360 I'm just as entitled to be on here as you. 16 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,880 And I'm not scavenging. 17 00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:01,120 I'm looking for irreplaceable items that have been stolen, 18 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,880 in the dead of night, from my house. 19 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:06,400 Oh, yeah. What items? Never mind what items. 20 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,040 But the perpetrators made their way across here, 21 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:12,440 and the beady eye of suspicion points to your thieving friends. 22 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:16,280 Hey, that's fucking libel! That's fucking slander... 23 00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:19,120 I don't know what it fucking is but it's something. 24 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,880 Imaginary line right down the middle. 25 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,720 My half, your half. 26 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,720 Now fuck right off. 27 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:27,760 Well, I'm warning you - so pass it on - 28 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,400 I'm going high tech, low tech, 29 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,760 and every fucking tech in between over there. 30 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,120 It's gonna be like Alcatraz, Fort Knox... 31 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,280 Bold Lane car park. 32 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,400 (DETECTOR BEEPS) 33 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:41,280 Ah, probably an old fucking tin can. 34 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,720 Hey. Hey. 35 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:50,000 This is still my land, so whatever you find there is fucking mine! 36 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,880 ♪ The best things in life are free... 37 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:55,440 Tom! You're being fucking unreasonable. 38 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,480 I'm not being unreasonable, right? 39 00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,880 I am the proprietor of Hawley's premiere mobile erotic parlour - 40 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,200 Fuck truck. 41 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,840 Yeah... And as such... I cannot be sharing 42 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:09,400 me storage-cum-office space with my one-time co-assistant manager. 43 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,640 Excuse me! I'm trying to set up a business for us, Tom, right? 44 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:15,160 I need a proper desk. Have you been downstairs, Erin? 45 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,760 Yeah. It's a pub. It's full of 'em. 46 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,880 I can't run a business off a sticky pub table! 47 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:22,400 May I introduce you to your friend and mine, the humble wet wipe. 48 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,800 You are fucking sharing. 49 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,280 (PHONE RINGS) (LAUGHS) 50 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,840 Oh! What do you want, Jimbo? 51 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,000 ♪ DOVES: Black And White Town 52 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,120 (SINISTER MUSIC) 53 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,160 JIM: Hey, where do you think it leads? 54 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,680 Yes, it's quite curious. 55 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:53,520 Maybe it leads UNDERGROUND, you fucking lemon. 56 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,920 Well, obviously it leads underground, but THEN where? 57 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,400 All right, come on, then. Let's fucking see. 58 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,480 Right, here we go. Are we ready? Yes. Come on. 59 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:06,600 Oh, yeah! 60 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:09,160 Well, whatever it is, it's been here for decades. 61 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,280 Hey. Maybe it's Roman. It's not Roman! 62 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,920 It's not Roman, you plum. It's a fucking padlock on it. 63 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,840 Heave it up. (ALL GROAN WITH EFFORT) 64 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,240 (HINGES SQUEAK) 65 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,880 Oh, my giddy aunt's vagina! 66 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,680 Fuck dude, it's super big down here. 67 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,720 Come on, Shirley, come on, lad. 68 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,680 Hey, this goes right under my field. SHIRLEY: It's in MY field. 69 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,640 ERIN: There's a light switch. (DISAPPOINTED GROANS) 70 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:33,960 Come on, then. 71 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,600 SHIRLEY: I'm getting a vision of a large circular table 72 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,400 and still seated, six human skeletons. 73 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:40,640 Shut up. ERIN: Stinks. 74 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,880 Come on, Jimbo. Here we go. Here we go. 75 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,480 Ready? 76 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,040 ERIN: Right, be careful. 77 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,000 (HINGES SQUEAK) 78 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,880 Yeah... Wow. Easy, easy. 79 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,920 (FUNNY VOICE) Hello! Fucking hell! 80 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,880 Me fucking heart! Bastard! You could have fucking killed him. 81 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,200 Could've killed him, but sadly he's still standing. 82 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,960 Fucking hell. Ah. 83 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,960 What the fuck? 84 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,200 Are you joking me? Are you twisting my fucking melon? 85 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,080 It's incredible. ERIN: It's quite damp, isn't it? 86 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,200 (ERIN GASPS) Oh, dude look at it! 87 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,960 No way! (VINNIE LAUGHS) 88 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,200 There's a fucking tea cups and a teapot! 89 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,280 Jeez. Oh, my fucking God. Oh, my God. 90 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,960 I'm telling you now, this is a fucking war bunker, in't it? 91 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,960 It's from the Second World War or summat. 92 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,960 Cables and wires run all the way through here, yeah? 93 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:29,160 So, surely we could get fucking leccy down here again, couldn't we? 94 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,000 Potentially, yeah. Well, actually, in that case... 95 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:36,560 congratulations, Erin, we might have just found... your new office. 96 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,240 How's about that? Fuck right off. 97 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:41,240 No, I mean fucking weed grow, you dick ends, don't I? 98 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,520 Oh. Weed grow? 99 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,720 Look at it. It's bloody perfecto, in't it? 100 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,640 No-one's ever gonna find this fucking place. Not one fold. 101 00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,840 Never mind your nefarious activities. 102 00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,160 This is heritage, history - Activities... 103 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,360 That is a good idea, Vin, and as your new landlord, 104 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,840 I'll be wanting six months rent in advance. 105 00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,360 Is that what you'd like? Yes. 106 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,920 I'll give it you now, you gobshite. Ah, you bastard! 107 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,840 This is MY land. 108 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,360 It's MY land! 109 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,520 I can't fucking believe it. I swear to God, 110 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,040 I've wanted to find summat like that since I was a little lad. 111 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,640 I can't believe... a fucking bunker. 112 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,360 Shit. Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie. 113 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,600 Who the hell are they? 114 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,560 Those are our old friends the MacDonaghs. 115 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,400 Make sure they don't fucking see it. Keep it out of sight. 116 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,760 Hello, Thomas... other people. 117 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,440 What the fuck do you two want? 118 00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,200 That's not a very nice welcome, is it, after all this time? 119 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,480 I've been away, Vincent, having surgery. 120 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,360 Oh, nothing minor, we hope. 121 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:39,480 I've had a testicle removed - my left one - most undignified, 122 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,160 but they replaced it with a marvellous artificial one. 123 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,320 You can barely feel the difference. Nice. 124 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,720 And now we're back. 125 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,640 And I'm looking to reignite our business relations. 126 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,120 Nothing to do with Manolito. No. No way. 127 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,000 We're not working with you again. Why not, pretty cheeks? 128 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,640 I tell you why, cos since Dylan went fucking missing, 129 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,480 we vowed we wanted nothing more to do with you and we meant it. 130 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,640 And I told you, after Dylan went missing, 131 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,120 that Barry and I know nothing about it. 132 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,680 I'm rather fond of Dylan... 133 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,000 and despite our differences, I wish him no harm. 134 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,640 Well, you're a sweetheart, but the answer's still a very firm no! 135 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,280 She said you'd say that. Who the fuck's "she"? 136 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,840 Our sister, Donna. 137 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,200 Donna MacDonagh? 138 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:20,000 During my absence, she's got more involved in the family business. 139 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,280 And she requests a quiet word with you, Vincent, in person. 140 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,440 Sound. All right, well, do us a solid. 141 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,600 You go and tell your Donna to stick a quiet word up her arse. 142 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,800 Hey, hey! Baz, Baz! Leave him, Bazzy! 143 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,720 (EXPLOSION BOOMS) 144 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,760 (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) 145 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,120 (MUFFLED GROANS AND SCREAMS) 146 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,200 Wow! JIM: Fucking hell! 147 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,680 Argh! 148 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,240 (ERIN GROANS) 149 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,360 Barry? 150 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,080 No, no, no, no. Barry?! Where's me Barry? 151 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,960 JIM: No-one knew it was there. Unexploded mine. 152 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,120 What are the chances? 153 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,640 It was an unused field. A buffer between our fiefdoms. 154 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,360 Not really owned by anyone, especially not me. 155 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,280 Or me. Stop waffling! 156 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,280 My brother's dead... 157 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:23,480 ..in five fucking pieces. 158 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,160 Six. Oh. 159 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,600 Just being accurate. What's wrong with you? 160 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,520 Davey, listen to me, man. 161 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,920 I'm gonna be honest with you when I say this. 162 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,240 There have been times over the last few months, 163 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,800 I have wished harm on you and your brother Baz. 164 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,920 And I fucking mean that, but I swear to God, 165 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,040 nobody would ever want summat like this, man. 166 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,680 It's fucked. It's awful, mate. 167 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,320 Well, thank you, for those kind words, Vincent. 168 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,720 I mean it. 169 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,680 Donna's not gonna be too happy with this. 170 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,800 Fuck, no. She'll rightly want to find blame. 171 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,160 Fucking hell "blame"! Hang fire a minute. 172 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,760 Davey, listen to me. 173 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,880 You saw what went down on that field today. 174 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,160 I ran in the same direction as Barry. 175 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,080 I jumped right over the fucking thing. 176 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,840 It could have easily have been me that was in... five pieces. 177 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,360 Again... six. Oh, for fuck sake. 178 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,960 Why do you keep doing that? It just feels important. 179 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:22,080 We know a very good undertaker who will give Barry a lovely funeral. 180 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,600 We do. We do and, you know, 181 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:25,640 now is not the time to be finding blame. 182 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,560 Certainly not. It's just, such a sad, terrible... 183 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,600 It is sad. Horrible... horrible... 184 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,520 Accident. ..accident that's happened. 185 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,280 It's... awful. Awful. 186 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,296 When we were children, Barry used to massage my shoulders in the bath. 187 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,880 Aww. That's nice. Brotherly love. 188 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,360 I'd place a wet flannel over my face, 189 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,400 pretend I was in a Swedish sauna. 190 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,080 He'd do the accent, too, sometimes. Would he? 191 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,360 Sometimes we'd be in there for hours... 192 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,760 splashing about... windows steamy. 193 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,040 All right, mate. Barry's big hands. 194 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,440 Sweat... 195 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:07,040 ..dripping. Right. He's in shock. 196 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,240 He's in shock with it all. He is. 197 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,920 Drinks are on the house! 198 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,080 Barry MacDonagh's dead! What? 199 00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,880 He's dead! 200 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:24,040 Barry MacDonagh's dead! 201 00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,320 (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER) 202 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,560 Which one's Barry again? 203 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,560 (GROANS) Put this down, dude. 204 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,320 Oh, fuck me, dude. This fucking... Eurgh! 205 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,400 Fucking torso, for fuck's sake. 206 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,200 Full torso! PARTIAL torso. 207 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,080 I need to wash me hands. I feel gross. 208 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,680 Why do you have to be so fucking pedantic? Gary! 209 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:51,280 ♪ BACH: Toccata And Fugue in D Minor Oh, what the fuck is this? 210 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,840 What are you even doing here? 211 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,840 I'm Gary's new assistant. Learning the ropes. 212 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,280 Found him on Insta. 213 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,080 How the fuck have you ended up... 214 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,920 That's bloody bridezilla - 215 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,440 the lunatic who got married to one of JJ's cousins. 216 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,360 Do you remember? I'm getting married in three days 217 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,960 and I don't need this kind of fucking stress! 218 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,400 Yeah, well it didn't last - the money-squandering, 219 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,800 limp-dicked twat went to retrain as a Reiki therapist. 220 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,440 I think he might've dodged a bullet, to be honest, Satan. 221 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,880 Where the fuck is Gary? 'No, we don't bury gangsters.' 222 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,920 That is just nonsense. You do! 223 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,800 You buried Pretty Boy Patel. 224 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,440 'He was a friend of my aunt.' 225 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,400 And Colin Callawalla. Good memory. 226 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,720 'He was a minor criminal, mostly extortion. 227 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,440 Have you reported the death yet?' No.Yes. 228 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,320 I didn't want the cops snooping around, pointing blame. 229 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,920 'No, listen. You need a death certificate from a doctor.' 230 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,440 Dude, I'll fucking get you one. I'll get you one off Christoph. 231 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,160 Listen, I need fucking help here. 232 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,520 These fuckers, they're the reason Dyldo's gone missing, right? 233 00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:50,080 I mean, Davey's unhinged at the best of fucking times, 234 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,360 you know full well. 235 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,440 And now he's lost his brother, he's capable of... 236 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,080 Jesus Christ, he's capable of anything, in't he? 237 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,600 'Fine, fine, fine! 238 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:02,080 But I'm in Vegas until next Thursday, so get Meena to do it.' 239 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,960 Are yer? What you doing there? 240 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,880 'It's none of your business what I'm doing. 241 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,840 But if you must know, I'm at an embalming expo... 242 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,640 ..and golfing weekend.' The mind boggles, honestly. 243 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,760 Hey, Gary, does your laptop do this? 244 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,760 (LAPTOP BLEEPS) Can you sew a body back together? 245 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,600 I'll do my best. 'I'm still here, you cunts.' 246 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,960 Oh! (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) 247 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,920 I think, seeing death... that close up, 248 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,600 it just makes my brain wonder, that's all. 249 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,480 Do you know it's happening, or do you welcome it in? 250 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,680 The peace... letting go? 251 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,560 You don't have to fucking bother any more, do you? 252 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,520 Shall I give you a prescription for Viagra? 253 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,880 Why would you? Why would you, after what I've said? 254 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,680 That's quite the leap, in't it? What leap? 255 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,280 I'm talking about sadness and you've gone to hard dicks. 256 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,200 You wouldn't be thinking about death if you had a five-hour boner. 257 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:59,120 Knob head. I'm worried that I'm spending too much time by myself again. 258 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,320 What about... what's her name, your friend? 259 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,120 Erin? Well, yeah, she's great, but I... 260 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,920 ..I don't know whether... 261 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,960 Fuck, I don't know. 262 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,920 Well, maybe you need to talk to somebody. 263 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,720 What the fuck are WE doing right now? 264 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,720 Actually, I DO know a good therapist. 265 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,200 Mmm. 266 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,760 A friend from uni. Got a long waiting list, though. 267 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,040 They always do. Does owe me a favour. 268 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,760 Maybe I can get you an urgent referral. 269 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,840 No, don't. Listen... 270 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,680 I'll be jumping the queue of a load of sad people, won't I? 271 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:32,280 That's not fair. Here you are, Fiona Frank. 272 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,440 I'll get her to call you, set up a time. 273 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,120 You can pay me back in weed. 274 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,240 Hello, Vincent. Myself and Donna have been talking 275 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,720 and we would like to honour Barry's life with a cocktail party, 276 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,560 tomorrow afternoon, 12:30. 277 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,200 Well, 12:30 for one. 278 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,800 She wants you and all your strange friends to attend. 279 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,480 Dress code: Marvellous. 280 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,240 Oh, and by the way, Vincent, 281 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,960 we need Barry there. 282 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,840 He always loved a cocktail. 283 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,560 'Toodle-oo.' 284 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,880 Jesus. "Dress code: Marvellous"? 285 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:13,200 What does it even mean? Flamboyant shirts, bold colours. 286 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,760 Dress code: Tommo. Sold. (LAUGHTER) 287 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,400 I don't mind. Yeah, yeah. 288 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,600 JJ working? Yeah, he's always working. 289 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,440 Trying to earn for the baby, in't he? 290 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,880 Shame. I would've loved to see him dress marvellous. 291 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:26,320 I'll be your plus one. 292 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,400 I don't like it. I don't mind telling you 293 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,160 right fucking now, it's a trap, is what it might be. 294 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,440 I think they're gonna lure us into the house, right, 295 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:37,080 and then Donna MacDonagh, with her heathenous fucking hook-like claws, 296 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,760 will stick 'em in my fucking spine, in't she, the lunatic. 297 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,720 Why would that happen? Is she mad or something? 298 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,440 Yes! Donna...? Put it this way. 299 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:46,240 Rumour has it she got put away, three years in prison, 300 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,560 for chopping off a man's finger with a rusty chisel. 301 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,120 Right, why don't we just go, drop Barry off and make our excuses? 302 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,200 Well, I'M going! I mean, if she wants to find you, she'll find you. 303 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,160 Besides, I love a cocktail. 304 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,160 Fuck. She's got a good point there. 305 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,520 We can't walk away from the MacDonaghs. We've learned that! 306 00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,160 Shit! Shit. 307 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,920 Marvellous! It said "marvellous". 308 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,640 Couldn't you put like a fucking rainbow headband on? 309 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:12,120 You're all dark. Everything's black on you. 310 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,440 I'm an undertaker. 311 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,360 I have to project an air of undiluted dignity at all times. 312 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,880 I'm starving. I'm doing these 16-hour fasts. 313 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,000 Right, let's stop en route. Fuck, no. 314 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,960 We'll get something when we're there. 315 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,280 At a cocktail party? That's nibbles, Vinnie. 316 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,240 I need carbs. Unless you wanna witness me hangry! 317 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,880 Oh, heaven forbid. 318 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,680 A hangry undertaker. 319 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,600 Right, do you want anything? Need a shit. 320 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,080 Think they've got a toilet? In a restaurant? 321 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,040 It's hardly a fucking restaurant, is it? It's a shit hole. 322 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,840 Customers only. 323 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,960 I AM a customer. He's with me. 324 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,680 YOU'RE a customer - you've ordered. He's not eating. 325 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:54,080 What? Dude, come on. What difference does it make? 326 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:55,200 Rules. 327 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,440 So, say I go in and drop my guts - that's the same as him doing it. 328 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,320 And it wouldn't even be as bad as that, 329 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,320 cos I hardly eat anything, be a little poo. 330 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,440 Sorry. Customers only. 331 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:10,160 F-F-F-Fucking... you and your fucking unblinking lizard eyes, 332 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,720 holding up ludicrous fucking rules, 333 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,600 about who can poo, from who can't poo. 334 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,240 I mean, there's not even a fucking boss here, no-one of authority. 335 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,360 Only us three would know I've had a shit! 336 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:24,760 Sorry for shouting. 337 00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:26,120 (CLEARS THROAT) 338 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,240 It's getting urgent. I'm starting to fucking crown, dude. All right? 339 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,520 OK, actually, erm, you know what? I need to go. 340 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:34,960 Give me the key. 341 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,560 You're just gonna give it to him. No. No. 342 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:42,000 I don't trust you. Hey, I'm a customer. Key, please. 343 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,960 Thank you. 344 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,560 There you go. Hiyah! 345 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,360 Dickhead! 346 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,880 Well, you should be ashamed of yourself. 347 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,760 Spiteful pizza. Shit! 348 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,760 The coffin's gone. Oh, fuck me! 349 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,520 Who the fuck steals a coffin? 350 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,360 Gary'll kill me! He'll fire me. 351 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,680 Know how much they cost? And that glass! 352 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,000 Never mind the fucking cost. Where's sewn-together Barry now? 353 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,880 We have to get it back. Someone must have seen something. 354 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,800 There's fucking no-one here! 355 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,840 I can't lose this job, Vinnie. 356 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:23,320 I'm supporting myself now. I need the fucking income. 357 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,760 And besides, I actually like being round dead people. 358 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,880 Christ. Look, can we just... Let's just... 359 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,200 Are you serious with that chomping? 360 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,960 Stop doing it. Are you doing it on purpose? 361 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,560 I'm fucking starving! You're doing me in. 362 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:45,120 I can't think straight with you chomping like a fucking oxen! 363 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,040 (CHOMPS) 364 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,480 Don't eat more of it. 365 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,760 (THEY MUTTER) 366 00:16:57,840 --> 00:16:59,360 Oh, well done, dickhead! 367 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,880 Now it's all over the floor of a sacred vehicle. 368 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:04,720 I just can't go back to Davey MacDonagh's house 369 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,760 without his sewn-together brother. Fuck, dude! 370 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:10,720 We have to come up with a plan and really fucking quick. 371 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,480 What's all this "we" shit? This is your problem. 372 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,320 I just need that fucking coffin back. 373 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:18,760 We! We share the same fucking problem, don't we, you twit! 374 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,240 Christ! 375 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,680 What if... 376 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,880 we go back to Abracadaver, get another coffin, 377 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,960 weigh it down to Barry weight and take it to the cocktail party? 378 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,520 No. They might open it. 379 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,960 Why would they open it? 380 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,000 Because he's a fucking lunatic! 381 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,760 They're having a cocktail party for a wake, you know what I mean? 382 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,880 We have to prep for every eventuality. 383 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:45,000 OK, what if... we put a body in there, cover the face 384 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,000 and tell them that Gary's still working on the colouration. 385 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:50,480 They won't wanna see him look all fucking deformed. 386 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,560 Fuck me, that could work. I mean, no options, have we, fuck sake. 387 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:57,040 There's only one problem. 388 00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,880 We only have females in right now. 389 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,320 Why the fuck would you suggest it, then?! 390 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,400 What's wrong with you? Oh. 391 00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,720 Unless... 392 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,240 Can we not just get the fucking old beard man to do it? 393 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,880 Jim? Can we get Jim to get in the box? 394 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,960 He's almost dead for real. He wouldn't cope. It's too hot. 395 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,840 Listen, all you have to do is lie there 396 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,720 and pretend to be fucking dead. 397 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,880 Listen, if it kicks off, anything happens, 398 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,600 they wanna check you for any reason, we'll bang on t'coffin three times. 399 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,400 Now you know it's kicking off, 400 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,760 put your fucking gauze mask on and they're none the wiser. 401 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,240 Do you understand? Yeah. Put the fucking lid on. 402 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,600 You behave yourself in there. I'm serious. 403 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,600 You be dead as fuck. 404 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,200 Right, for the love of God, let's have it. 405 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,760 Now you lot... Oi. 406 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,560 ..sombre as fuck. 407 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:55,720 MEENA: Fucking hell. That must be Donna. 408 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,520 Is this our Barry? 409 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,680 It is, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 410 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,640 Why's he in ONE coffin? 411 00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,320 Sorry, how do you... How do you mean? 412 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,760 He blew into five pieces. 413 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,440 Six. Don't say that. Give over. 414 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,600 So if that was his final state, 415 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,440 if that's what the Lord Almighty wanted for him, 416 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,680 why isn't he in FIVE coffins? 417 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,040 Six Oh, fuck. 418 00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,720 Erm, well, we don't really do mini coffins. 419 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,560 They've sewn him back together, Donna. 420 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,800 We have. 421 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,560 Well, they better UN-sew him. Right, then. 422 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,080 Cos I want to see him. Hmm... 423 00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,840 Before the funeral. Oh. 424 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,760 In pieces. That's unusual, in't it? 425 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,120 Laid out on a tasteful sheet of silk. 426 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,880 Right, then. OK, of course. 427 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,280 Come on, then. 428 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,600 Oh, come on, then. Let just go and have a... 429 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,360 have a nice time. 430 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,480 OK, Vincent. 431 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,520 ♪ MARVIN GAYE: Let's Get It On 432 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,680 See, dickhead? Nibbles. Yeah, fuck the nibbles, dude. 433 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,040 How are we gonna get him laid out on silk 434 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,720 if we've one fucking body? Do you know what I mean? 435 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,080 And six tiny coffins. How much is that gonna cost? 436 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,280 It'll be fucking dear, won't it? I'm telling you. 437 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,160 We're fucked. Hey, WE'RE not fucked. 438 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,320 I'm an innocent bystander. Listen to you. 439 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,880 Fucking giving it big licks. 440 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:25,680 You're the one who wanted to stop and get a pizza, aren't you? 441 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,560 Cheeky bastard! It was YOU that needed a shit, with your filthy arse crack. 442 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:30,800 Yeah. Yeah. 443 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,200 Filthy arse crack? Vincent. 444 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,320 How would you know that? Vincent. Lady of death. 445 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:38,000 Donna would like an audience with you now, Vincent, 446 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,720 in the downstairs lavatory. 447 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,960 Well, that's a fucking weird location, innit? 448 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,080 Hmm. Come along, handsome. (COUGHS) 449 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,360 Same an' all. Bring your cocktail. 450 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,080 I had a poo cos we stopped for pizza. 451 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:49,840 Fuck off! 452 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,440 You all right? Vincent O'Neil. 453 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:57,880 Hmm. 454 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,600 Step inside. I'll come inside. 455 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,760 I'll leave you two to chat. (LOCK CLICKS) 456 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,120 Ooh... (LAUGHS) 457 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,920 Tight. 458 00:21:12,120 --> 00:21:14,120 This won't take long, Vinnie. 459 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,720 We're all devastated about Barry, 460 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,480 but he were thick as horse shit. 461 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,360 So it comes as no surprise to me, 462 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,840 he kicked an unexploded bomb and blew himself all over a field. 463 00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,040 It's sad and it's a crying shame. 464 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,040 Now that I'm out of prison... 465 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,320 ..I'm taking control of the business... 466 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,680 ..and the word on the street is... 467 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:44,680 you grow the very best leaf in town, so... 468 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,040 I know Davey was a... 469 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:55,000 less than considerate partner on your previous endeavour... 470 00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:00,480 ..but I will promise you, as a woman of my word, 471 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,680 that if you get into bed with me... 472 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,240 ..you won't end up fucked up the arse. 473 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,240 Nice. That would be nice. 474 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:13,000 Unfortunately... and I'm sorry to say this... 475 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,200 Look, let me put it like this. 476 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:21,400 My mate Dylan - very close to - he's gone missing... 477 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,280 ..under really suspicious circumstances. 478 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:29,240 Now, I have it on good authority that it was your brother, Davey, 479 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,160 and he's fucking denying it. 480 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,600 I'd love to work with you, but I can't, can I? 481 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,640 I can't work with people if I can't trust 482 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,520 what's coming out of their mouth. Do you know what I'm saying? 483 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:40,200 And I AM sorry. 484 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,760 (GLASSES CLINK) Hmm. 485 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,720 You want the truth? 486 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,320 He didn't hurt Dylan. 487 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,440 In fact, if anything - from what Barry told me - 488 00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,320 he was a little bit in love with him. 489 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,920 I just fucking... I find it really hard to believe. 490 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,280 Strawberry daiquiri. Mmm. 491 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,960 You tried this? No. Would you like me to? 492 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,720 Mm. I'm doing it. 493 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:26,960 Delish. 494 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,840 It's the nicest thing that's ever passed my lips. 495 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,480 Mm. 496 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,400 I don't take "no" for an answer, Vinnie. 497 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:38,440 So, we'll pause this chat... 498 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,240 Si. 499 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,520 To be continued. Oh... 500 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,480 Excited for it. I'm just gonna... 501 00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,000 (DOOR UNLOCKS) 502 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,840 Shit! 503 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:51,880 ♪ QUINCY JONES: Soul Bossa Nova 504 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,600 What's up with him? He's not texting me back. 505 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,720 Well, maybe his hand's restricted. Maybe he's not seen his messages. 506 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,560 Yes. Maybe he's dead. Maybe he couldn't breathe after all. 507 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,800 Carol, it's for an hour, in a box, with holes in, all right? 508 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:16,240 He's not gonna die that quickly, is he? 509 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,040 Ladies. Sorry. 510 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,960 (TAPS GLASS AGAIN) 511 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,800 I would like very much to thank you for coming. 512 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:31,360 It's so nice to see so many friendly faces... here at an event 513 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:34,320 that our Barry would have absolutely loved. 514 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,160 (A SNORE FROM COFFIN) 515 00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:37,800 (SNORING STOPS) 516 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,440 No cocktail party would have been complete without our Barry's... 517 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,600 (SNORING) What is that noise? 518 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:49,520 (SNORING CONTINUES) It's like snoring. 519 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,080 No, no, that will be the... gas that's produced... 520 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,840 You were telling me about that. ..as the microbes break down acids. 521 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,400 Don't think so. It's definitely snoring. Listen. 522 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,480 She's right. Yes, it's the gasses. 523 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,440 Oh, this is a lovely one, in't it? 524 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,280 We'll get YOU that one. Shush. 525 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,120 Wow! How about that? Sorry. 526 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,880 (WHISPERING) 527 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,240 It seems to have gone away. 528 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,560 Maybe it WAS the erm... Gas. 529 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,160 Gases. Science, in't it? 530 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:17,680 Gases and science. 531 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,320 I thought it would be a nice idea 532 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,680 if we all sang Barry's favourite song. 533 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,880 And I would like everybody to join in. 534 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,760 Mm. 535 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,920 DJ. 536 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,920 ♪ SHIRLEY BASSEY: Big Spender 537 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,560 Oh, God, she loves this one. 538 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,840 ♪ The minute you walked in the joint 539 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,600 ♪ I could tell you was a man of distinction 540 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,520 ♪ A real big spender Vin. 541 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,400 I've found the body. ♪ Good lookin' 542 00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,560 Fuck me! ♪ So refined... 543 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:50,960 Come on. Who's got it? 544 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,480 Business email. Subject: "I have your body." 545 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,840 When you open the email, there's this guy. 546 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,200 Well, that's fucked up. Someone's fucking with us. 547 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,800 I'm not happy about this. Who sent that? 548 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:02,880 Some fucking joker called Phil Brilliance. 549 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:05,680 Phil shagging Brilliance? It's from his work email. 550 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,120 Phil Brilliance Waste Removal Services. 551 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,640 There's a phone number and address. 552 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,400 Oh, there's an address! Quickly, go get the lads! 553 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,920 (TYRES SCREECH) 554 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,960 Fuck me, it's like the Bates Motel. 555 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,000 He's fucked it, this fella. 556 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:32,600 Oh, God. 557 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,560 So glad you could come. 558 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,440 Dude, don't fuck about. Open this fucking door right now. 559 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:42,160 (SCOTTISH ACCENT) Well, what bad manners your mother taught YOU! 560 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,280 Open the fucking door, please. 561 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:48,600 Er, one moment, please, while I consult with Mr Brilliance. 562 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,440 Who shall I say is calling? 563 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,480 Why would you consult with Brilli... 564 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,480 Fuck, I'm not talking to this puppet. 565 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:57,520 Take your hand out the arse of this thing, unlock the door 566 00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:59,720 and tell us what you've done with sewn-together Barry. 567 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:01,960 I'm gonna fucking snap in a minute, dude. 568 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,240 Oh, right, yeah, you've upset his puppet now, haven't you? 569 00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,560 Well done. What do you mean? 570 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,800 It's a kiddy thing. Clearly not mentally stable. 571 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,840 He's nicked a fucking coffin. He's speaking through a puppet. 572 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,680 I hate to say it, but on this occasion, she is correct. Thank you. 573 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,960 How to go about this is very much softly-softly catchy monkey... 574 00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,760 Ah-ha-ha! Good afternoon! 575 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,640 Good afternoon. My name's Phil Brilliance. 576 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:26,400 And this is my good friend Russell. 577 00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,600 What? Oh, yes. 578 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,480 Shake your hand. Why me? 579 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,240 Shake his hand, for fuck sake. 580 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,320 Yeah, nice one, Russell. Fucking ace. 581 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,880 Well, Russell, aren't you gonna invite them in? 582 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,960 No. YOU invite them in. 583 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,040 Fuck me. I don't like the look of them. 584 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,640 Especially the child dressed like Miami Vice. 585 00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,400 Russell... It's party wear, innit. 586 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:49,880 I am sorry about him, ladies and gentlemen. 587 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,360 Please do come in. I got snacks. 588 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,560 You're fucking exhausting, Philip. 589 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,600 Good fucking Lord God. 590 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,440 Thank you, Russell. Please help yourself to food and drinks. 591 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,640 (CHUCKLES) We've poisoned them. 592 00:28:05,680 --> 00:28:08,800 No, we haven't. Yeah, we're jo.. He's joking. 593 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,640 (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Or AM I? 594 00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:13,880 All right. Fucking hell. 595 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,880 Ha-ha, what's he like? 596 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:18,280 He's just a fucking right one. 597 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,200 Why don't we put him down for a minute? 598 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,680 Us humans beings have a very serious business conversation 599 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,560 about the whereabouts of that bloody corpse, eh? 600 00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,680 (CRUNCHES) 601 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,000 And coffin. And the fucking coffin as well. 602 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,440 Well, Russell, what do you think about that? 603 00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,200 Oh, whoo-hoo! Ahh! 604 00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:38,080 (CHUCKLES) Can I have a word in your ear? 605 00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,600 Yeah, of course you can. 606 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,800 Excuse me, could we just have a moment alone while we have a chat? 607 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,240 What is it? (TALKS GIBBERISH) 608 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:50,600 Fucking hell. Bloody idiot. Stay calm. 609 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,240 You dirty bastard. (GIBBERISH) 610 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,960 He's doing my head in. Philip! Phil, Phil. 611 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,440 Nearly finished. Argh. 612 00:29:00,800 --> 00:29:04,240 Phil has, er, asked me to negotiate on his behalf. 613 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:06,400 (GIBBERS) No! Fuck off! 614 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:08,680 Vin. Fuck, no! For fucking hell! 615 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,680 I have been very patient indeed. Give me that fucking doll. 616 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:13,680 No! The time for farting around 617 00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,440 is very much over! 618 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:17,560 Were in dire-fucking-straits, dude. No. 619 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:20,720 Dire straits. We need to know the location of the fucking body. 620 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:23,000 I'm not pissing around here, dude. 621 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:24,680 Here. Fuck me, I'm sorry. 622 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,520 (WHIMPERS) 623 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:30,440 Where's our fucking coffin? 624 00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:32,560 Right, stop! There's a lot going on here. 625 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:36,400 Fucking hell, you're scaring him. Phil, hi. 626 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:40,520 Listen, YOU messaged us. Remember? 627 00:29:40,560 --> 00:29:41,640 Yeah. 628 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:44,520 We've come to find out what that reason was. 629 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,080 OK. 630 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,560 Barry MacDonagh was a very scary man 631 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,960 and his family are... very scary people, 632 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,680 so we need it back... quite urgently. 633 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:00,840 OK. OK. 634 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:02,920 I'll talk. OK. 635 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,160 I want my lawyer present. 636 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:07,040 You want your lawyer? Yeah. 637 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,480 And he... he's in that box? Yeah. 638 00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:11,720 I just can't imagine where this is gonna go. 639 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:14,040 All right, you can get your lawyer. 640 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,560 You sit here - out of harm's way. 641 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:23,160 Come on. Come on, out you come. 642 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:26,160 We've got business. Oh, Jesus Christ. 643 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:27,320 Wow. 644 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:29,200 Top legal mind. 645 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,840 This is St John Moseley. 646 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,520 Good afternoon, gentlemen. 647 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,640 AND ladies. 648 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,440 You all right, Sinj... Sinjun? 649 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:43,480 Listen, is there any chance you could ask your client 650 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,880 the whereabouts of the fucking corpse he's stolen? I mean... 651 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:52,360 The gentleman with the horrendous neck tattoo 652 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:57,440 wishes to know the location of, I quote, "A stolen body". 653 00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,960 I advise caution in your response. 654 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,000 Right, tell the gentleman 655 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,280 the body's stored in a safe location. 656 00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,240 But unless I get a full and frank apology 657 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,280 from that monster Davey MacDonagh, 658 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,760 I will not reveal the location of the body. 659 00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:16,760 My client says... No, dude! 660 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,840 We fucking heard what the client said. 661 00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,960 You said it. I can see your lips move. 662 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,040 At least drink some water at t'same time. 663 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:26,000 It's very underwhelming. What apology? 664 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:29,480 The lady asks what is the nature of the apology? 665 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:31,440 Well, it's simple, in't it? 666 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,240 That man - Davey MacDonagh... 667 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:39,080 ..he ruined my life. 668 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:45,120 Can we take a moment for my client, please? 669 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:46,800 (SIFFLES) Thank you. 670 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:48,600 (SOBS) 671 00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,720 Fucking hell. 672 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:55,320 Mr Brilliance would like me to recount his story to you 673 00:31:55,360 --> 00:31:56,960 on his behalf. 674 00:31:57,000 --> 00:31:59,960 Would you mind making yourselves comfortable? 675 00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:02,800 Go on, then. 676 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:06,640 It all started several years ago, when Mr Brilliance ran 677 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:10,760 a hugely successful children's entertainment business. 678 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:12,720 (CHILDREN CHEER) 679 00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:19,840 'Phil's business was the most successful in the region. 680 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,680 There was so much work, he couldn't fit it all in. 681 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,720 Parents would recommend him to other parents. 682 00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:29,320 Word spread and the kids adored him. 683 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:32,400 Especially when he brought out the star of the show - 684 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,960 Virgil the cheeky monkey.' 685 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,040 Boys and girls, it's Virgil! Virgil, how are you? 686 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:40,920 'Then, one fateful day, 687 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:44,520 Phil got hired by Davey MacDonagh, 688 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,520 to throw a party for his niece, Mabel.' 689 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:49,480 That's Donna's daughter. 690 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,320 Correct. 691 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,320 My best friend's a monkey. He's called Virgil. 692 00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,520 'Unaware of the MacDonaghs' fearsome reputation, 693 00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:01,280 Phil did his usual routine and the party went well... 694 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,920 right up to the point where Virgil made his appearance.' 695 00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,840 You want to go over and say hello to the grown-ups? All right. 696 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:10,400 Here, let's go and say hello to the grown-ups. 697 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:14,080 (SLIDE WHISTLE) (CHUCKLES) Ooh! 698 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:16,520 (CHILDREN LAUGH) 699 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,120 (LAUGHTER STOPS) 700 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,200 'It was an innocent mistake, 701 00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:25,680 and Phil tried to apologise afterwards 702 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,200 but things turned nasty.' Argh! 703 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,680 Made a monkey out of me back there, puppet boy! 704 00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:33,320 I apologise! I'll do the show for free to say sorry. 705 00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,680 I think some compensation might be in order. 706 00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:37,680 Compensation? For my hurt feelings 707 00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:39,440 and for the distress and trauma 708 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:42,400 caused to innocent eight year olds who have now been exposed - 709 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:43,920 at far too early an age - 710 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:47,280 to the sight of an unfeasibly large male phallus. 711 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:50,240 Yeah, but it wasn't THAT unfeasibly large, was it? 712 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,240 (FORCED LAUGHTER) Oh, no! 713 00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,080 Go on. Then what happened? 714 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:58,040 Say goodbye cos he's going in the fucking river! 715 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:00,680 (MOANS) Bye-bye! 716 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,000 Not so fucking BRILLIANT now, are you, Phil?! 717 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,400 Fucking hell, that is brutal, mate. 718 00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:10,680 But that wasn't the end of it. 719 00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:12,560 (FIRE ROARS) (SMOKE ALARM BEEPS) 720 00:34:16,240 --> 00:34:18,400 (PHIL COUGHS) 721 00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:25,080 'Threats, intimidation.' 722 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:27,840 Every time he turned up to a children's party, 723 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:29,720 there they were. 724 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,560 Not today, puppet boy. 725 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:39,800 They started spreading rumours that he was a paedophile, 726 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:43,080 that he'd touched up a little girl at a children's party, 727 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:45,560 with his hand inside a monkey. 728 00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,120 And DID he..? NO! 729 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:51,720 They ruined me. They ruined my business. 730 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,440 My wife left me. I was sick with stress. 731 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:56,280 Everyone thought I was a nonce - 732 00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:59,120 and all because HE didn't wear boxer shorts! 733 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,920 Oh, dear God. It's a bloody shame. 734 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,680 Phil, do you know what? Honestly, man, I can see 735 00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:07,040 that they've really, really hurt you, there. 736 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:08,560 Wankers, the pair of 'em. 737 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:11,280 But you're never gonna get an apology off 'em, dude. Never. 738 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,120 Never in a million fucking years. 739 00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,240 Then, he's never gonna get his brother back! 740 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:17,280 Argh! He'll fucking kill you, you non... 741 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,880 you prick. They've ALREADY killed me! 742 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:23,400 The day they killed Virgil. 743 00:35:23,440 --> 00:35:27,720 That monkey... he was my best friend. 744 00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:30,960 But not only that, it was my livelihood. 745 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,160 They tore my world apart. (SOBS) 746 00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:41,400 There, there. 747 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:43,600 Now that, that's talent. 748 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:45,240 Put that in your act. Mm. 749 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:46,840 Right? Yeah. Good. 750 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,520 What are the chances of getting Davey to apologise? Fucking zero. 751 00:35:50,560 --> 00:35:52,720 We'd have to fess up to losing his brother. 752 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:54,960 It won't go down well. Wait. I've got an idea. 753 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:56,840 Some places have started doing this thing 754 00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:00,240 where a family member records themselves talking about their lost loved one, 755 00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:02,000 like summat funny, a rude anecdote. 756 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:05,880 To warm people up, the undertaker writes something and gets them to say it to camera. 757 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:07,720 What if we convince Davey to do one, 758 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,040 write up some sentences as his warm up, 759 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,880 and we edit them into an apology? Fah! 760 00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:14,760 It's a shit idea. Yeah. 761 00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:16,280 I think it's a great idea. 762 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,480 Why don't we just stand up and tell a story? 763 00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,400 I'll tell you for why. 764 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:23,640 So, on the day, there is gonna be a lot of emotion. All right? 765 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,560 You know what, you've lost your brother. 766 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:29,000 I don't think it matters how many times you rehearse that speech, 767 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:30,720 emotion could creep in and ruin it. 768 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,880 And what tends to happen now - it's very, very popular, isn't it? 769 00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:35,680 Yeah, it's modern a trend. Modern trend. 770 00:36:35,720 --> 00:36:37,440 Especially with the rich folks. Yeah. 771 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:40,240 They record it. They put on a big old screen there. 772 00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:43,160 People gather round and it becomes more of an event. 773 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,280 Do you know what I mean? Makes sense. 774 00:36:46,000 --> 00:36:48,480 OK, I'm sold. 775 00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,840 I'll tell the wheelbarrow pig story. It's hilarious. 776 00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:56,360 It's just that Davey... Oh, I am brilliant at anecdotes. 777 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,640 I tell you what... 778 00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:00,680 why don't you BOTH do one? 779 00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:03,640 Thank God for this one. 780 00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:07,280 'I'd just like to say a few words. 781 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,880 I am very sorry... ..to you... feel... 782 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:11,680 ..for all the pain... 783 00:37:11,720 --> 00:37:13,320 ..and furthermore...' 784 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,680 And that'll be that, Phil. I mean, er, "feel". 785 00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:17,480 It's good stuff. I mean, that's... 786 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:20,720 That has been edited. It's not been edit... 787 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:24,000 Yeah, a little bit. Cos he pauses. He's a fucking pauser. 788 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:27,600 That is a full-throttle apology you just heard there. 789 00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:29,320 No. Yeah, it's fucking rare, that. 790 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,240 To get an apology off someone like... 791 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:34,800 Davey MacDonagh giving an apology - rare as fucking... 792 00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:36,960 Hen's teeth. That's a saying. Hen's teeth. 793 00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:38,600 We've got 20 fucking hours, dude. 794 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,400 20 hours, that's it, and then the funeral starts. 795 00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:45,240 And for reasons only known to his fucking psychopath sister, 796 00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:48,280 she wants to have a look at him - Barry in bits. 797 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:50,400 So fucking time's of the essence. 798 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:55,840 My client says he is NOT prepared to reveal the whereabouts of the body. 799 00:37:55,880 --> 00:37:58,200 Fuck you, Sideon, or whatever the fucking... 800 00:37:58,240 --> 00:38:00,360 Vin! No, no, no. 801 00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:02,120 Ahh! Eurgh! 802 00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:05,920 Dude, you're fucking putting our lives at risk, is what you're doing. 803 00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:08,280 I want a face-to-face apology. 804 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:12,200 You are never ever, in a thousand fucking years, 805 00:38:12,240 --> 00:38:14,840 ever gonna get an apology out of them sociopaths. 806 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:17,120 It's just not happening. No body. 807 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:20,080 No. Oh, fuck my arse. 808 00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:22,800 Right. Bodies are really fucking heavy, yeah? 809 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,240 (So, A) it's gonna be hard to hide one. 810 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,920 (B) he's a weirdo, so chances are he's gonna want it close to him. 811 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,920 What you suggesting? Wait till he goes out, 812 00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:33,560 break in, have a look around - loft, attic, garden, everywhere. 813 00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:36,280 No. What... What if he stays in all night? 814 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,200 Everyone leaves eventually, Vincent. Even ventriloquists. 815 00:38:39,240 --> 00:38:41,200 I know how to get him out of the house. 816 00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:44,200 Book a waste removal tonight. False address, miles away. 817 00:38:44,240 --> 00:38:46,280 Fucking sick! Punch the air. 818 00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:48,000 There we go. Fucking finally! 819 00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:51,440 Any sign? 820 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,240 Yeah, Erin, he came out ten minutes ago. 821 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,280 I just didn't say anything about it. Stop being a dickhead, Tommo. 822 00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:59,080 I booked that job for 7:15. Why hasn't he left? 823 00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:01,480 Christ. What have you said to him? You put a voice on? 824 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:05,240 I did, yeah. I went... (POSHLY) Hello. Is this garden removal? 825 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:07,160 You didn't, did you? I did, yeah. Why? 826 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,160 Fuck. That's the voice people do when trying 827 00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:11,480 to sound like a posh person, not an actual posh person. 828 00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:13,720 Oh, is it fuck! It is, Erin. You had one job. 829 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:16,640 I'm over here, meanwhile, fucking master of impersonations, 830 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,440 could do any accent. Was I called upon? 831 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,160 Oh, yeah. No. No, I wasn't. 832 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:22,760 Fucking sound like Jimmy Savile and Vin Diesel mixed. 833 00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:24,320 That's my own voice, in't it? 834 00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,960 That's my natural-born voice. You're so annoying! 835 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,240 Shut up! Shut up, you pair of fucking lemons. 836 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:31,480 Dickhead! Christ, fucking glasses. 837 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:33,800 Fucking annoys me, he does. 838 00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:37,600 Well, look at the fu... Of fucking course. Look at him. 839 00:39:38,440 --> 00:39:40,560 Fucking hell. Fucking Ronnie! 840 00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:52,960 (SCREAMS) 841 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:54,880 Give over. OK. 842 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,080 How do you know Phil Brilliance? 843 00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,000 Depends on who's asking. Oh, God, dude. WE'RE asking you. 844 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:01,800 Oh, right, you just asked. Right, OK. 845 00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:03,280 Can I ask summat? Yes. 846 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:06,200 Why are you slamming me against here like Who Dares Wills, 847 00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:10,320 interrogating me about legitimate friendships that are going on in Hawley Town? 848 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,200 Because he's nicked a dead body. Barry MacDonagh.Yeah. 849 00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:15,120 And there's no way he's moved it on his own. 850 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:18,080 So tell us what you know because I need that coffin back! 851 00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:19,960 All right. OK, yeah, sure. 852 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,200 So what, summat goes off, so who do you blame? Ronnie Croft, right? 853 00:40:23,240 --> 00:40:25,440 Do me a favour, stick this in your kettle 854 00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:28,000 and do you know what, smoke it - cos I work for him. 855 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:33,120 You fucking work for him? Yeah. W-U-R-R-K. "Wurrk". OK? 856 00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:34,920 Ronnie croft is clocking on, 857 00:40:34,960 --> 00:40:37,120 he's paying his taxes... I ain't paying taxes. 858 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:40,680 Shut up! You move garden shit for Phil Brilliance, yeah? 859 00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:42,840 Yeah, I've got a gig tonight. That's what I call it. 860 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,160 "I'm just nipping out... Just nipping out to do a gig." 861 00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:48,480 Do you know what I mean? Let me off here. I can just... split. 862 00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:51,280 Ronnie, sweetheart, do you expect us to believe, right, 863 00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:55,640 that you work for the bloke, but you've no idea about this fucking missing corpse? 864 00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:57,080 And coffin. And coffin. 865 00:40:57,120 --> 00:41:00,360 Look, I swear to Jah, on Erin's life. 866 00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:01,920 Ronnie! 867 00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:04,560 Right, do you not think - come on, guys, it's me - 868 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:07,920 I'd have noticed a stolen coffin? They're massive, Vin. 869 00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,280 You are gonna help us find out what he's fucking done with it. 870 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:13,240 OK. Oh, me? 871 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:16,440 God, all right, come on. Yes! Fucking you. Yes. Fucking hell! 872 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,280 Cos we can't go back in, can we? 873 00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,280 For some reason, he clearly trusts you. 874 00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:22,760 Don't know why. So you need to go back in 875 00:41:22,800 --> 00:41:24,960 and find out where that body is - And coffin. 876 00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:26,680 And coffin. And coffin? Yes. 877 00:41:26,720 --> 00:41:28,720 Both. Both! Don't fucking run off! 878 00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:30,640 Yes. He's not running off. Right, OK. 879 00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:32,640 You're fucking staying here, you. 880 00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:35,280 Would you not agree, that man is a fucking bellend? 881 00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,440 Dude. Innit? Right, can't be trusted. 882 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:41,360 So, how's about me and you come up with a little a backup plan? 883 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:44,240 Knock, knock, knock-knock-knock, knock-nock. 884 00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,560 All right. You're late. Yes, you ARE late. 885 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,360 All right, Arnold, don't start. 886 00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:50,680 I just got lost en route-a-toot-toot. All right? 887 00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:53,360 We need to have a word. We need to have a chat, man. 888 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:58,960 'We're late for the job. What do you wanna speak to me about, Ronnie?' 889 00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,720 'Cos we've got problemo magnificio.' 'Meaning what?' 890 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:04,920 'Come on, Phil, stick the dummy down.' 891 00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:06,480 I am not a dummy. 892 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,080 Well, yeah, you ARE a fucking dummy, dummy. 893 00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:10,920 I'm less of a dummy than you, aren't I? 894 00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,640 'At least I've got GCSEs.' He's arguing with a fucking doll. 895 00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:16,040 Look at your legs! They're cloth. Get off my legs. 896 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:17,960 Stop kicking yourself in the fucking head. 897 00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:20,800 Well, at least I've got some hair. You're like an ugly boiled egg. 898 00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:22,320 Ooh, a bit fucking personal! 899 00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:25,200 I'd sort him out, man, cos I'll put him into another fucking realm. 900 00:42:25,240 --> 00:42:26,800 Know what I mean? Ronnie, listen - 901 00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:29,840 Have a word with him. He gets above himself. What do you want, Ronnie? 902 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,760 It's a fucking heavy heat scenario going on. 903 00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:35,080 People - can't specify who - but they're heavy, right? 904 00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,400 They found out about the fucking body. 905 00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:41,120 So I'm gonna need some serious compensation, OK, 906 00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,600 to keep a zipper-mouth situation. 907 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:48,120 You blackmailing me, Ronnie? (LAUGHS) Am I blackmailing you?! 908 00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:51,200 'Yeah! Absolutely.' Motherfucker! 909 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:56,040 Yeah... No. Erin, I tried my best. 910 00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:58,080 Oh! 911 00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:02,040 (SHOUTS) Give over, you fucking lemon. 912 00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,720 I can't see fuck all. Shut up! 913 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,040 Erin, it's getting a little bit stupid. 914 00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,840 Listen, honest to God, it's the last time I'm asking. 915 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:11,760 Where's that fucking body? And coffin. 916 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:14,440 And the fucking.... For fuck sake! The coffin as well. 917 00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,000 Listen, Ronnie, honestly, dude, 918 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:17,960 I'll leave you down here with the rats - 919 00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:21,120 OK, YOU might but Erin wouldn't, and do you wanna know why, Vin? 920 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:25,080 It's because family is very, very thicker than water. That's why. 921 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:28,840 Try me. Ronnie, I know for a fact you're scared of the dark. 922 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:30,480 Oh. Right, OK. 923 00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:34,040 Phil offered me two large, OK? Aka 200. 924 00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:36,040 If yous go to say, five... 925 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:39,000 How the fuck am I gonna pay you 500 quid, you cunt?! 926 00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:43,840 What? You're not gonna pay me? In that case, Whitney Houston, we got a problem. 927 00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:45,960 You don't know Whitney Houston, dude. 928 00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,320 He means Houston, don't he? He means Houston. 929 00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:50,560 Guys, the jokes on fucking you! 930 00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:54,440 No, no, no, not the dark! OK, I'll give you what you want! 931 00:43:55,240 --> 00:43:57,600 Check it out. Follow the light. 932 00:43:57,640 --> 00:43:59,840 ♪ RIVAL SONS: Do Your Worst 933 00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,120 Thank fuck for that. 934 00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,160 He's all there. 935 00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:14,280 Ronnie Croft saves the day. Nice one. 936 00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:16,120 Hold on. 937 00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:18,920 Where are his eyes? Oh... 938 00:44:18,960 --> 00:44:22,200 His fucking eyes are missing. The fuck, who nicks eyes? 939 00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:26,240 ♪ Oh, my, oh, my baby 940 00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:29,560 ♪ Devil's gonna get you if I don't first 941 00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:32,320 ♪ Take my, take my body 942 00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:35,240 ♪ Take my body and do your worst 943 00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:38,080 ♪ Oh, my, oh, my baby 944 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:41,200 ♪ Devil's gonna get you if I don't first 945 00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:44,080 ♪ Take my, take my body 946 00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:47,080 ♪ Take my body and do your worst ♪ 947 00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:55,080 He's ready for you now. 948 00:45:12,720 --> 00:45:13,960 They're fine. 949 00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:17,080 Gentlemen... I think we've got away with it. 950 00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:18,720 (MUTED EXCITED CHATTER) 951 00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:24,640 ♪ ..over the rainbow 952 00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:30,520 ♪ Way up high 953 00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:37,760 ♪ There's a land that I heard of 954 00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:43,640 ♪ Once in a lullaby 955 00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,440 (DOORS SQUEAK OPEN) 956 00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:55,000 ♪ Somewhere over the rainbow 957 00:45:55,840 --> 00:46:00,120 ♪ Skies are blue 958 00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:04,160 (MUSIC FADES) Thank you. 959 00:46:04,200 --> 00:46:08,360 And before we move Barry on to his final rest, 960 00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:10,760 his brother Davey would like to read... 961 00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:13,040 David. ..a few words from the Good Book. 962 00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:18,640 CARDI: Ash coffin. 963 00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:23,440 What if he starts "coughing"? Do you get it? 964 00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:26,040 Shut up, you fucking... Shut up. 965 00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:28,800 (AMPLIFIED TAPS) 966 00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:35,040 "The righteous perish... 967 00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:37,160 and no man layeth it to heart; 968 00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:41,200 the merciful men are taken away, 969 00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:43,440 none considering 970 00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:47,920 that the righteous are taken away from the evil to come." 971 00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:52,320 (DOORS BURST OPEN) 972 00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:54,960 Oh, shit. 973 00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,080 I want an apology! 974 00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:01,560 (MURMURING) 975 00:47:02,320 --> 00:47:04,160 (WHISPERS) Fuck. 976 00:47:06,280 --> 00:47:08,360 You remember me, Davey? 977 00:47:08,400 --> 00:47:12,960 If you know what is good for you, you will leave right now. 978 00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,920 Phil Brilliance. Children's entertainer. 979 00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:18,320 Get rid of him. 980 00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:20,240 Would anybody like to meet my new friend? 981 00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:22,200 Stay where the fuck you are. Stay. No. 982 00:47:22,240 --> 00:47:25,040 His name... is Barry. 983 00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:28,560 You want to shut the fuck up, you disrespectful cunt. 984 00:47:28,600 --> 00:47:31,360 Otherwise, you'll end up in a coffin yourself. 985 00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:34,360 Davey, well, he killed my last friend, Virgil, 986 00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,160 but I don't think he's gonna hurt this one. 987 00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:39,640 No, no, no. 988 00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:41,480 I don't think he'll hurt this one. 989 00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:44,800 Especially as he's got such beautiful... 990 00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:46,480 eyes. 991 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:48,760 (SCREAMS) Oh, fuck! 992 00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:51,120 Ahh! Fuck! 993 00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:55,240 An eye for an eye, Davey! You little piece of piss! 994 00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:57,800 Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! 995 00:47:57,840 --> 00:48:00,200 Cheeky little bastard! 996 00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,080 (PHONE RINGS) Fucking phone! 997 00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:05,480 Hello? 998 00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:07,600 Hello, Vincent. This is Fiona Frank. 999 00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,080 You were referred to me by Dr Christopher Cox, for psychotherapy. 1000 00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:14,080 No, no, no, no! Yep, yep, yep, yep! Go on. 1001 00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:17,080 I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? No, it's a good time. 1002 00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:21,040 It's a good time. I need you more than ever, actually. 1003 00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:38,760 I know this will come as a shock to you, but... I'm your son. 1004 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,640 What? (SQUEAKY COMEDY VOICE) 1005 00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:43,280 How the fuck can he be mine? 1006 00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:45,240 (QUACKS) 1007 00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:47,920 Don't wish for it - work for it. 1008 00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:49,680 He wants you in his life, Tommo. 1009 00:48:51,640 --> 00:48:53,080 Hello, boys. 1010 00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:54,360 Charmed. 1011 00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:56,760 Do not flirt with my fucking progeny. 1012 00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:58,600 Bend down and pick it up. 1013 00:48:58,640 --> 00:49:00,400 Argh! 1014 00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:23,160 AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk